sinking into the feeling

feeling 'emotionless'--it's like the idea of being 'classless' or 'raceless': neither actually exist.

the "privilege" of being in the upper-middle class is that you can feel as though your class is unimportant. it doesn't hurt you. you're classless. you take it for granted. and the "privilege" of being white is that you can feel like you have no race. or your race is irrelevent. it doesn't hurt you. you're raceless. and all's free of cost to your spirit.

the same applies to gender, sexual preference, nationality, age, etc.... the groups of dominant categories take for granted their ease in lifestyle. not realizing the ease. simply living with it as if it's normal because society has deemed it so. normal & attractive & desirable.

somehow i want to express how i think this applies to claiming an 'emotionless' state. so often when i'm feeling good--when i'm at a peaceful place in my soul, or still and without anxiety or saddness, i claim 'emotionlessness'. i claim that nothing is new. that all is still. 'same old, same old'. down-playing the joy found in the calm of my heart. neglecting to cheer for my simplicity & ease... not wanting to look too deeply into the eye of the joy, secretly fearful that i might find a storm brewing... secretly terrified that i've been fooling myself. that, in fact, i'm just as much of a mess as ever and i have absolutely nothing figured out.

how do i let myself sink into the realities of my joy and not fear moments of inevitable sadness or anxiety? this is something i'm struggling with just as i struggle with my whiteness, my class, my [at least outward] heterosexuality, my privilege. how do i use my privilege to influece joy without shielding myself from what's true and what's real--what's painful and what's scary? without trying to pretend that i've got it all figured out.

i think there's got to be a way to let reality be fragile. to handle my joy and my privilege with care--just as i do with my fear and greif, the parts of me that are oppressed. to remember that no side of the spectrum is more important than the other. that it's a circular cycle, and that in fact, my joy needs my fear. my privilege needs my oppression. my stillness needs my mess.