The Eventual Mess

I'm full of resentment but the enemy's not so clear. The culprit is watered down an emptied fluid drain because I have nothing but beautiful people and clear opportunities in my life.

And now, the resistance becomes harder to justify. The antagonist a faceless, nameless empty ghost--unseen, unheard, and eventually only a faint unnecessary thought in my over-emotional heart. Intensely feeling anything at all has become a memory from my less settled days, my more erratic self that is no longer needed in the life of this more established self.

Complacency has surfaced. On the phone with my dearest friends, I have nothing to report. Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing new. Same old nothing. Not the way my heart has buried itself underground. Not the boring routine of my week-to-week. Not the way I miss singing and dancing and crying and painting. And definitely not the secret that I haven't kept a journal since I got home from Italy five months ago.

But last night I gave in. With the precious evening to myself, I finally admitted the truth: my ego's in the way.

I don't want to admit how responsible I am for my own lack of adventure, lack of insightfullness, lack of excitement in my life. I've submitted to the drudgery of routine, too uncommitted to myself to do anything to change it. Too afraid that I'll fail myself if I try.

That's not very like me, though. I am a woman willing to face the messy with a smile, tears, and eventual laughter. I love my mess because it means that I am living, that there's something more to live for.

Ways to make my life messy again:
-Get your hands dirty with paint
-Don't wait for a partner or permission to live authentically
-Realize that the difference between resistance and boundaries is that boundaries can afford you the same exhilarating opportunities without the resentment or negativity of resistance
-Stop and ask yourself before running into the arms of comfort, "Is this discomfort important? Do I need to feel fearful, lonely, or lost right now?"
-Fear not the fear
-Seek out the spontaneous adventures and run with them when they come
-Say 'yes' to the voices of possibility
-Say 'no' to the voices of boredom, routine, empty & easy fills
-Make intentional decisions about the way you spend your time


How do you get your messy back, when life's gotten too clean?