coming in

i'm trying to think of how this whole gay rights movement can continue forward. being possibly lesbian/bisexual myself, these sorts of things come to mind. what can i do, what can others do to bridge the divide of understanding and equality between the ever-ranging spectrum of sexuality? while it seems like we're closer than ever to seeing gays as human beings with equal rights, it still can be so tricky to figure out how to navigate identity in social situations with strangers, family, and friends.

we often refer to the process of revealing ones non-heterosexual sexuality as "coming out." the closet was the metaphor for the secret life homosexual people had to live around their non-accepting peers. to come out is to open up about ones sexual identity or history. if we refer to the platonian model of the myth of the cave, coming out of the closet could be like emerging from the cave of ignorance into the light of truth, knowledge, community. this process could be purely enlightening for all, leaving the darkness for the openness, breaking down the door.

but the idea of the closet itself is problematic for the closeted and the outsider, because non-acceptance is assumed. because our society has been so ignorant about gays in the past (and continues to be), the gay person is afraid to come out, and the other person is also accredited and perhaps justified in allowing the wall to exist in the first place.

still this process really places the person who is coming out in center stage. they are being watched, judged, and monitored on their delivery, their timing, their story, their history, their complexity. once the closet door is removed, the focus is on the person walking out. we're now in the same space as the others who were born without closets encapsulating their sexuality, but we're new additions to their lives. our whole history is morphed under a new lens of this alternate identity, and people begin to wonder--is that why he or she hated PE class? is that why they broke up? is that why you got in fights with your family? suddenly, a detective game begins, where did homosexuality intrude? was it there in the nursing infant? did it come about because of tv shows? did another individual trick someone into sleeping with them? what has happened here, and there? and why has this person been hiding? (have they been aware they were hiding?)

everything begins to be searched for evidence. the clothes people wear, the make up one does or does not apply, the height of someone's shoeheel, the length of one's hair, the shape of one's face... styles are formed, subcultures are created so that communities can be formed, people can feel part of a group of others who are like them and accept them. but really, these fads are no different than other fads, they are expressions of a people with a common interest. yet within that group united by a common interest are so many different stories that cannot be boxed into a uniform, style, or identification system.

what i'd like to reclaim are the views of the gays who have or have not decided to come out. i'd like to explore what happens when people come into the space that occupies our deepest identity? what happens when we come into those places within ourselves? i think in some ways coming out is like turning yourself inside out. with all your deepest instinctual inner patterns exposed and the tough skin tucked backwards, one loses a sense of protection. with practice, perhaps this process can feel empowering, but in order for us to feel comfortable and strong i think we need to develop a new layer of skin. this new skin layer is a patchwork of identities, styles, elements of subculture which make those who do not feel like they belong have a sense of belonging. but instead of creating unity, we end up divided like gangs in our separate code-language choice of clothing and hairstyles, giving off vibes of our territorial identity in order to protect our deepest instinctual selves in the power of numbers, names, and stereotypes.

before one finds this community, this subculture, how can one come out into the world, timid and afraid without shriveling in the sun? without roots connected to a well of nutrients and water, the dark moist cave is far more safe than the dry vast desert. we need to belong, but how does that process begin when such bold lines are being drawn around to distinguish one subculture from the next?

before i knew there was a such thing as me identifying as anything but heterosexual, before i had discovered the depth of my sexuality, i had no concept of the closet doors enclosing my body. it wasn't until i closed my bedroom door to the outside world so that i could discover what its like to love, that i could even sense a sliding door closing, with little slits in that i could look out of, but no one could see in. it wasn't until everyone started asking if i had a boyfriend, that i found it so hard to say i had a girlfriend instead. and when i shielded the truth, i stayed put with the outdated clothes and unfashionable shoes keeping me company in that dreadful closet i began to learn so much about.

but when the questions disappeared, or when my lover reappeared i felt like the power of my love could bend fields of wheat like waves of wind, with no boundaries to keep it in. so how could this tight closet space be applied to my ever-expanding concept of love?

perhaps the closet is bigger than we think it is. this is what i started to realize.

when i got all my friends together, gay or not, and spoke openly with them about my sexuality among other things, it was like we were lighting candles in the dark, or pressing walls backwards with our numbers and our knowledge and support. the roles even start to seem like they are flipping, so that people who do not accept gays seem to be in a closet of their own ignorance, keeping them from experiencing the world as it truly is: as a place with all forms of love roaming present and increasing positive energy in the universe. how could they be so closed off?

its up to them to come out of their closet, as much as its up to gays to invite people into theirs. ultimately its not about boxing either side in, but about working together so that these four-sided patterns can disperse into whatever space one wants to create for themselves in any given time. i don't want a closet. i want a field. i want to be naked. with those who are unafraid to shed their patchwork, and let the darkest places be warmed by the truest light of acceptance.