sharing is...

today was the first day everyone of the 10 students in my poetry class including myself was present. mary, our professor, requested that we come to class ready to share something about ourselves that would help everyone get to know eachother better... something sort of personal and vulnerable but not too vulnerable.

i knew, for me, this would be a great time to mention that i'm--bisexual? interested in women at the moment and who knows whats next?

still i found my heart pounding so hard that i think the zipper on my zip-up sweatshirt was bouncing up and down. i kept turning different phrases around in my head of different ways that i could start...

"i fell in love with...." no, too personal.

"i'm questioning..." no, too broad.

i felt so happy to be able to go back to elementary school. my claim to fame is being the only white girl in my class--something people in the northwest who don't live in some inner-city somewhere (and even there) have trouble even comprehending! You can count the number of black students that go to Lewis & Clark on your hand. So this seemed like a nice starting point?

Then there's my family background, my father being a pastor and now a famous author.

Then there's me, going to college, exploring my sexuality thinking i might be "bisexual or--" i don't say the word "lesbian." i can't handle that word it feels so heavy and full like giant breasts with a painting of a man and line going through his body on a pin on a leather bra. Female on female porn, butch women, the erotic poetry heather and i perused in the sauna (such a great thing to do by the way), the woman i told i loved this morning... where do i carve out myself, of what clay was i the product? how much of this identity is just draped over us like earrings or jeans? how much are we capable of creating ourselves?


I want to be myself, truly, inside and outside, turned on and turned off. i want to grant myself the greatest pleasures and survive my biggest disasters. i want my heart full and for its overflow of water to turn the mill in my brain. i want to get all my nourishment from the ever-flowing forces of love. god's love, friend's love, men or women who have learned different ways to love, teaching me now new things about love as i teach them how to love me.

all this boiled down to an introduction. take your time, but its short. who are you today?


we are daring for sharing the right amount of so much. my heart slows down, quieter and quieter til i can no longer hear it pounding. the next person talks about a small town near train tracks. And i feel at ease again. for the diversity of the energies we bring, and for letting mine exist today.